The Power of Clarity, Part 2

In my last post I talked about the power of clarity and asking for
what you want. There's also power in giving straight answers.

How many times have you invited someone to visit and you couldn't
get a solid 'yes' or 'no' out of them? You're left dangling and don't know how to proceed. Wouldn't you rather get a clear answer?

Remember that the next time someone requests something of you. Give
them a straight up answer. If you need to check on something before you
can reply, that's okay, but give them a definite deadline on when you
plan to reply. As in "I have to check with my partner but I'll get back
to you by Saturday with our answer." And then follow up as promised.

Almost as important, let go of "excuse-itis". You know what that is. You can't just say no without providing a reason. "I'd love to come to your gramma's quilting bee but my cat is having kittens that day."

A simply 'yes' or
'no' is plenty. Anything more is simply your discomfort. You're
operating on the assumption that your friend can't handle the
disappointment. Let it go. Most of us understand that other people have
lives. (And if your friend doesn't, you might want to re-think the relationship.)

Why did I devote two blog entries to clarity in our communication with each other?

Simplifying the way you ask and answer is one step back towards balance. Practicing clarity reduces stress by eliminating the mental debris of game-playing. It makes room in your brain for more important things, like taking action on your dreams.

What would change in your own life if you practiced clarity in your relationships?

 

The Power of Clarity

There's power in asking straight out for what you want. It's the power of clarity.

Too many of us have fallen into the habit of beating around the bush.
We hint and sigh and then progress to closing cupboard doors VERY loudly,
hoping that someone will ask what we need. And then, when they do ask, we
reply "Nothing. I'm fine."

Why do we do that?

So here's my challenge to you.  Tune into what you want and then ask clearly for it. No beating around the bush. No prevaricating. No hesitation.

It's a simple formula to remember. If you need –blank– ask for –blank–.

If you need your brother to help with your ailing parents, ask for his help. If you need a back rub, ask for a back rub.

The trick is to ask straight out.

For the next 30 days, as you develop this new habit, hinting is verboten. (Just remember the 'please' and 'thank you' part because courtesy is a sign of respect, not weakness.)

You'll get one of three answers, of course. Yes. No. Or Maybe.

When I started practicing this habit, my husband was actually relieved. He no longer had to read my mind. And guess what else? I started to get more of what I wanted (and often needed) to make my life run more smoothly. There were less hassles, less hurt silences, less martyrdom! (My cupboard doors were grateful as well.)

A "straight ask" even means a 'no' isn't necessarily final. There's room for discussion simply because both sides are clear about what's on the table. As in "Can't afford a trip to France, eh? How about Quebec City?

And if you get a "Maybe?" Well, that's not a straight up answer so ask for more clarity . Make a game of it and see if you can't get to a solid yes or no.

In my next entry I'll talk about the power of straight answers.

 

Saying “No”

My friend, Jane Pollak, has an interesting discussion going on in her blog about how to say 'no'. She talks about how Anne Lamott, author and speaker, creatively says 'no' to requests for endorsements and autographs.

I love Anne Lamott's work as well and had the privilege of meeting her. She is very clear on her boundaries and not apologetic about honouring them. Lack of that clarity and forgetting to take care of ourselves is what ties up in knots.

If you pay close attention to why a 'no' feels hard, you'll find an underlying assumption. We assume our 'no' hurts the other person so we want to take care of them, ease their disappointment. But when we do that we are holding the other person small and weak, assuming they can't take the truth.

The best way to say and hear no is a simple "No", clear and precise. There's no need to apologise or excuse ourselves, no need to caretake. In fact, when we dither or hold out false hope, it leaves everyone without a clear direction. 

I like Paul Newman's way of handling this. If he was asked to do something he didn't want to do he replied "I don't do that".  That answer is clear, indicates choice and reduces the possibility of the other party cajoling us to say yes, because pleading creates guilt which responds with a 'yes' . When that happens, we feel resentful and no one wins.

If you simply want time to think about your response then clarity is still your best bet. State your need  by saying, "I need some time to think about it." Give yourself and the other person a deadline  on when you'll get back to them. "Can I call you tomorrow with my answer?"

When you are clear and precise with your answers you come across as a successful person who can be counted on because when you say 'Yes' everyone, including yourself, knows that it means something.