The Power of Clarity, Part 2

In my last post I talked about the power of clarity and asking for
what you want. There's also power in giving straight answers.

How many times have you invited someone to visit and you couldn't
get a solid 'yes' or 'no' out of them? You're left dangling and don't know how to proceed. Wouldn't you rather get a clear answer?

Remember that the next time someone requests something of you. Give
them a straight up answer. If you need to check on something before you
can reply, that's okay, but give them a definite deadline on when you
plan to reply. As in "I have to check with my partner but I'll get back
to you by Saturday with our answer." And then follow up as promised.

Almost as important, let go of "excuse-itis". You know what that is. You can't just say no without providing a reason. "I'd love to come to your gramma's quilting bee but my cat is having kittens that day."

A simply 'yes' or
'no' is plenty. Anything more is simply your discomfort. You're
operating on the assumption that your friend can't handle the
disappointment. Let it go. Most of us understand that other people have
lives. (And if your friend doesn't, you might want to re-think the relationship.)

Why did I devote two blog entries to clarity in our communication with each other?

Simplifying the way you ask and answer is one step back towards balance. Practicing clarity reduces stress by eliminating the mental debris of game-playing. It makes room in your brain for more important things, like taking action on your dreams.

What would change in your own life if you practiced clarity in your relationships?

 

The Power of Clarity

There's power in asking straight out for what you want. It's the power of clarity.

Too many of us have fallen into the habit of beating around the bush.
We hint and sigh and then progress to closing cupboard doors VERY loudly,
hoping that someone will ask what we need. And then, when they do ask, we
reply "Nothing. I'm fine."

Why do we do that?

So here's my challenge to you.  Tune into what you want and then ask clearly for it. No beating around the bush. No prevaricating. No hesitation.

It's a simple formula to remember. If you need –blank– ask for –blank–.

If you need your brother to help with your ailing parents, ask for his help. If you need a back rub, ask for a back rub.

The trick is to ask straight out.

For the next 30 days, as you develop this new habit, hinting is verboten. (Just remember the 'please' and 'thank you' part because courtesy is a sign of respect, not weakness.)

You'll get one of three answers, of course. Yes. No. Or Maybe.

When I started practicing this habit, my husband was actually relieved. He no longer had to read my mind. And guess what else? I started to get more of what I wanted (and often needed) to make my life run more smoothly. There were less hassles, less hurt silences, less martyrdom! (My cupboard doors were grateful as well.)

A "straight ask" even means a 'no' isn't necessarily final. There's room for discussion simply because both sides are clear about what's on the table. As in "Can't afford a trip to France, eh? How about Quebec City?

And if you get a "Maybe?" Well, that's not a straight up answer so ask for more clarity . Make a game of it and see if you can't get to a solid yes or no.

In my next entry I'll talk about the power of straight answers.

 

Dealing With Difficult People – Part 1

You can't avoid it. Difficult people happen along all the time. They come in all forms and varieties – from the person who just won't stop talking to the one who stabs you in the back.

 

You can't change them but how you deal with them is entirely in your power.

 

First, don't complain about them to everyone and anyone who will listen. Complaints and gossip always come back on you. You may even earn the reputation of a whiner, someone who can't solve her own problems. 

 

Complaining doesn't solve the situation. It only defuses the feelings. You'll feel like you've done something about it, but really you haven't.

 

In some tribal cultures you'll receive advice and help the first time you bring up a problem. Even the second time, but if you bring it up a third time, the listener will simply walk away, indicating it's time you took action.

 

So my next few posts will give you some positive action options.

 

First, examine yourself. Do you always have difficulty with this type of behaviour in individuals? Is there a trigger here that you need to examine more closely? What here reminds you of yourself? (Often we react strongly to a behaviour in others that we don't like in ourselves.)

 

Always start with yourself and determine if the source of irritation lies in you and not the other.